Dreams and Fears
The beginning number of the musical Mama Mia started playing in my head when I saw last week's #kinderblog13 prompt word: DREAM...
(If you can't see the video click here)
...then I continued to draw a blank and went through my week without knowing how to start writing. Hmm...
So, Saturday rolls around again, I haven't written anything and a new prompt word is given: FEAR. Then, @MauiMickey tweets that she is going to combine all five #kinderblog13 prompt words into one post. In comes the "Aha!" moment...
I've got another confession I didn't put in my 'Confess' post: I fear sharing my dreams.
Yep, I couldn't really begin last week's post because I was afraid to share the dreams I have for my career and things that I wish I could do, or what I could grow to become. I fear people thinking I am not skilled or knowledgeable enough to accomplish my dreams. I fear being judged more than any adult should and as a result I often choose to hide rather than speak. My confidence takes a while to build up and it comes over time, after being able to build relationships with those around me. Often though, this fear has bound me so tight that I have sat and watched more than one opportunity pass me by. Just look at me, I'm having an easier time describing my fear to you all and I have yet tackled the ACTUAL fear... I haven't yet shared a single dream with you, have I?
Okay, here goes nothing...(my heart is pounding right now)
I dream, that one day I might be confident enough to be more of a leader in this field that we all work in. I know that the first step would be to get over my fear so I can finally gain confidence.
I see my colleagues heading curriculum teams, leading PD sessions and/or workshops, even the folks at #kinderchat do such amazing things. I look up to all of them, and I hope that one day maybe I'd possess enough knowledge and skills to do some of the things I see everyone accomplishing. There are many teachers I have met both in the workplace, and now through Twitter, whom I admire and love learning from. I feel that these people have been very influential in my teaching and my growth as a teacher. I dream that one day I will be able to have that sort of influence on others and do for them what all of these wonderful people have done for me. The one trait I feel that they all possess is, confidence. Until I can gather enough of my own, I know that I won't get there. I need to squish that little voice that says "No one thinks you're capable."
I am not delusional, I don't think I could jump up and suddenly do all of these things right now, I've still got a lot of learning to do before I can offer something back. What I do know is that maybe if I wasn't so afraid, I might be able to accomplish my dream more quickly and not let so many opportunities pass me by. I'd be able to take some baby steps and accomplish smaller things that would eventually help lead me toward what I hope to become.
I started this blog in the hope that I'd be able to begin this process of sharing what I know and have learned within my teaching career. So far, #kinderblog13 has given me a reason to write this summer and I am ever so grateful for it. However, I've been hiding behind it a little and haven't blogged anything else apart from responses to the challenge. I think it's time I didn't hide behind the comfort of these prompt words anymore and begin the process of trying to make this blog what I hope it can become. So, I promise, that my next post will be about something I think I have to share.
Here's to getting over my fears and reaching for my dreams. Fingers crossed!